Five Things Near Holds Dear to His Heart
by Jengou
Summary: Near/Mello. Why Near is a socklover, some porn desecration, and Mello's sneaky triumph over Near.


**Title:** Five Things Near Holds Dear to His Heart  
**Pairing:** Near/Mello, kind of?  
**Genre:** Crack/Humour  
**Rating:** PG  
**Spoilers:** None if you know who Matt is.  
**Word Count:** 646  
**Disclaimer:** The boys own ME. I own nothing.  
**Notes:** Written for Kuna's birthday! She requested something about Near, and my initial reaction was, "Near Is Creepy, The End." After forcing myself to think about him a bit more, I think I rather like the smug fatty after all.  
**Summary: **Why Near is a sock-lover, some porn desecration, and Mello's sneaky triumph over Near.

◊

**1 + 2. Toys and Socks**

"So. New kid. I see you did pretty well on that physics test."

Mello stepped on Near's blank puzzle with one filthy bare foot as though to underscore his above statement.

_That foot better not actually be dirty, or else it'll leave marks on my blank puzzle, and then my puzzle wouldn't be blank anymore, would it?_

Near smoothed out his furrowed eyebrows and looked up before the other muddy foot decided to join the former. "Yes. If I remember correctly, and I believe I do, I beat you by twelve points."

The toes on the other foot suddenly curled, and Near twitched at the sight of those encrusted toenails.

"Getting cocky, aren't you? Let me tell you, this will be the last time you beat me in a test. I'm number one after all. Always have been."

Near rubbed at the edge of a puzzle piece, trying to surmise where it might fit. "Are you... are you trying to _impress_ me?"

"What? NO. I'm just giving you fair warning. So when I beat you on our next test, you can't cry and say, 'But I didn't _know_ Mello was such a genius! I wasn't _prepared_! It doesn't count!'" Mello narrowed his eyes at the other kids in the room who looked at him funny. "Do your worst, n00b."

"Don't worry, I am already impressed by your leet-speak."

"Shyeah well," Mello tilted his head in a gratified manner and withdrew his grubby foot.

"Wait," Near called out as Mello turned to leave. "I... I have an extra pair of socks if you'd like."

Mello narrowed his eyes. "You are such a strange little boy. Is that your idea of a friendly gesture? I refuse it, my toes like to feel airy and fresh. And don't you think I'm going to go easy on you just because you offered me socks."

Near looked back down at his soiled puzzle. "Alright then."

**3 + 4. Baggy Pajamas, and Mello and Matt fighting**

"You've gone too fucking far this time, Mello!"

"The hell's up with you?"

Matt flicked through a much-thumbed volume of a porno mag and stuck a particularly bosomy two-page spread in Mello's face.

"You drew MUSTACHES on my beautiful ladies! How am I supposed to wank off to them now!?"

"It wasn't me. Why'd I want to touch those filthy rags?"

"You're the only one at Wammy's who'd commit such a sacriligeous act! You and your... princessysissy haircut."

"TAKE THAT BACK YOU... _PENIS_!"

"THAT IS THE FAGGOTEST INSULT EVER."

"I HATE YOU."

"YOU KILLED MY PORN AND I HATE YOU MORE."

"I'M NOT SPEAKING TO YOU AGAIN EVER."

"FINE WITH ME."

Near realized, _I can hide not only one marker, but one hundred markers in my pajamas if I so desired_, and felt rather smug.

**5. His Nose**

Mornings at the SPK were nice. Gevanni was responsible for waking Near up by fingercombing his unruly hair that defied all combs, Lester brought in the newly-ironed daytime pajamas on a tray, and Hal arrived at 7 AM sharp along with chocolate muffins fresh from the bakery. Near would inhale great gulps of the chocolatey aromas, taking in the scent of Hal's strawberry shampoo indiscriminantly as Hal clicked past with her heels.

Some mornings Near could smell something else on Hal, a musty sort of smell that reminded Near of going to church on rainy Sundays at Wammy's, when clothes got damp and stayed damp throughout the two hour morning service. The clammy smell would mix with the heady church incense, and wasn't entirely unpleasant.

_Hal is a loose woman, I am not impressed, Mello. But do feel free to keep trying._ Near reached into his bag and pulled out his muffin. The bit at the top, the part of the muffin which tasted by far the best, was already bitten off.

◊

**Author's Note:** I didn't add it in, but in my world Mello learned leet speak to impress Matt :-p Except Mello used it wrong half the time, which caused Matt call Mello a n00b, so at least he could use _that_ term correctly. Kid!Mello thinks he's very clever, cos 'New kid' and 'n00b' both starts with an N.


End file.
